I Just don't Know :/

I would like a little sign that every thing happened over the last day would go away and be okay..but I don't see that happening. It's not like I want this I really don't but what is a girl supposed to do when the person she put every thing into..makes it so easy to leave, for him and not me. He can hand back every thing that I have ever given him like it was nothing. Was it nothing? I don't  know. I just don't even know what to do anymore. It just feels like it was all for nothing now. After every thing that I thought we were working for it's basically falling apart. There is no way i could have taken that a different way last night. It's not just me that thought that it was a cruel and heartless thing to do. If he wants it to be over..do I just let him leave..or keep fighting for something that just won't seem to stay...happy?

GO AWAY ALREADY! >:P

I don't know where else i'm supposed to start. I was having such a quiet, nice day. Maybe I should just start at the beginning.
I was walking through the forum on my way to SSR. (Yes I am classified as a senior but with me dropping out 3 times I have to still do an extra year. Anyways back to the story:) and I could have sworn that I saw you with your bleach blonde spikey hair walk right in front of me. No, i'm wrong. You don't even go to school here anymore. You graduated last year. Why are you here? But that's just like you to show up when my life is going good and i'm all fine and whatever. You always show up. Man, I don't know. I don't even want to process that. I am such a drama queen, I know. But I had a dream of you. We lived together again and for some reason we stayed the night at my sister's house. It's stupid, I know, but you were my best friend. I never thought you, Jordy, and I wouldn't be able to talk and hang out. Man, I really miss those days. THIS is why I don't like seeing you. I got used to seeing Jordy because we go to the same school and he's a good kid. He didn't blame anything on me. HE was going to take the blame. But you, you wanted he and I to take all the blame while you went scott free off to college. Do you think that's okay? Really? I don't! I don't think it's in any way, shape, or form okay. I just wish we all didn't do what we did.  You know? No, you probably don't. You're life doesn't sound like it's changed much at all. That's pretty shitty of you. My life was turned upside down but you got to live your life the exact way that you wanted to. Jordy even had his life change too. We did but you didn't. You're the big baby that wants everything your way or no way. I'm just done with feeling bad for you. But I wish I never had to see you again. Seeing an old best friend is never fun, never. I hope the best for you. I'm not mean enough to say I hate you and hope your life turns out the way mine had. I would never wish that on anyone. Ha. Well, I hope you know how much I wish I never met you.

The Situation

So I have a situation and iy has been dubbed by almost everyone I know as The Situation. I'm not aware any six packs were ever involved. Haa. Well, with this "situation" has been on my mind non stop for almost a month now. It's a big deal, not even being dramatic. Well anyways so a few girls in my Health class know because I trusted them, well, I trusted one and the other kept bugging me because she wanted to know. ANYWAYS so now the girl that kept bugging me to know what it is now ignores me and stares me down, literally. I haven't done anything wrong to her or bad mouthed her in any way yet I still get treated like that. Not cool dude. Every time I try to talk to her she ignores me and when we talk about a certain subject in class she stares at me when she doesn't think i'm looking. I know when someone is staring at me. It's just getting on my nerves when you're hoping to have people there for you when you were there for them and they just leave. It's a terrible feeling. There are so many people this could relate to but it's about one person, maybe two, in particular.
Long story short; Keep an open mind. You never know when you're friend is going to tell you something really surprising and hopes you'll still be their for them. Be there for them, or just leave now.

Just A Little Lost

I don't even know what to do. I give my input on what I think we should do and all of a sudden i'm getting the silent treatment, really? I don't even know how the hell i'm supposed to deal with this and you just seem to think  it's all going to be a walk in the park BUT you're difficult and don't want to admit that it's not going to be easy..it's going to be really hard. One of the choices I made is a smart one; I think so. How the hell else am I supposed to say this? The ONLY person that will listen to anything I say now are my sisters but one is only excited because she doesn't have to deal with me. Cool.

I guess it's time to give someone a little message and let them know what's been going on because I know you haven't told her.

It's Just A Fight, Right?

I looked into your eyes and all I saw was anger...you looked so upset. I'v seen you mad before but you looked at me like I was just some old friend you couldn't wait to get rid of. Is that true? What do I do now...i'v put everything into this relationship. I want both of my best friends back so I can cry to them but one of them I haven't even talked to in weeks and the other...he's too busy with his own life. I'm glad I have at least ONE person that won't judge me and will talk to me about anything with out taking sides. I'm thankful for that. I need that. But I can't stop crying. I don't know what you're thinking, or why. I wish I knew. This is all so hard to deal with especially with the fact that we have a a little situation we could be dealing with. I hope we don't...time will tell, I guess. Lately all we have been doing is arguing and fighting ABOUT EVERYTHING. This time it's not even me who started the argument. Maybe, maybe, this IS the end. It's not like I want it to be but...I guess everything must come to an end and there isn't much else I can do but move on, right? I really don't want to. We both put so much into this relationship. I don't want to just drop it, like nothing.

I guess, I really don't have much choice though, huh?

Oh, I love Paramore!

Dear Jaseyface,

I am now constantly asking myself what I did wrong...what did I do this time? Am I really someone that is so hard to trust? I don't think I am. I think I've actually been doing pretty good at telling the truth lately but I feel like I have to hold so much back or if I do tell you you get upset because it's not something you want to hear. I don't know, you know? It's like, I want to to just end it and have all the hurt be over with but than again iSome times you can't just let go of the best thing you've ever had with out a fight. I've never had a relationship like this, a teenage dream. You're my teenage dream. We fight and want to kick each other in the face, sometimes, but through all that we still are together.
I don't know how long this will last or IF it will last but I like the roller coaster we've been on so far. It's been the best yet. It's always going to be hard and we won't know what to do but that will be the interesting part of the whole story.

<3 ,
   Your babygirl

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

So i've been hearing this song on the radio when i'm at home and I couldn't help but fall in love with it! Now I am constantly listening to it. I guess, eventually I will get tired of listening to it all the time but until than...SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW BY GOTYE AND KIMBRA IS MY FAVORITE SONG. :)

Oscillating Techno Bida

Yes, so yesterday my boyfriend and I skipped church and youth group, the first time in A LONG time, and went to visit his sisters Jodi and Jessica in Sioux City. A very much needed vacation. We spend the day fixing Jessica's car door, cleaning her dishes and going to eat House of Q(If you haven't been there you should: AMAZING FOOD) But yeah than we went to the park and played around while hearing little 12 year olds talk dirty. BLECHH!

But over all it was a very much needed and exciting day. :)

Just thought I should share this.

Nobody's Perfect

I wish people would realize that some times. No. One. Is. Perfect.
I don't know how else to say it besides this. People, so many people, seem to think when I screw up that it's the end of the world or in some cases they knew it would always happen. I don't know. I'm not depressed but it just gets on my nerves. I don't live for anyone else, just me. So I mess up and make mistakes that doesn't make me a terrible person and it doesn't mean you have to point out my every flaw, every time I make one. It hurts and I hate it. How can someone who is supposed to be my best friend, mother, sister, anyone, hurt me so much? i don't get it. I really don't.
I don't do that to you so why do I get treated like this? I don't like it. And I am going to keep saying this until you realize I DON"T NEED TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. I'm only human.

4 day weekend

For my four day weekend from school I spent the majority of my time awake. I hardly got any sleep BUT there were positives for just about every negative. (:
Negative

• My sister got sick so I had to leave LeeAnn's early
• My sister spent just about 3 days in the hospital
• I got about 8 hours of sleep
• It went from sunny to rainy
• I saw an ex best friend of mine that...is a jerk off.
• I still miss that ex best friend even after every thing.
• I woke up late this morning and i'm wearing what I slept in. xp
• My sister is still sick.

Positive

• My boyfriend gave me a promise ring BUT my family says it's basically just an engagement ring. :)
• Church-play lock in went pretty great
• My team won two times playing pictionary.
• I am now in the "wolf pack" with teh guys. Lol
• My sister got to come home
• My sister bought me a new pink and black mini dress that I will wear for my birthday.
• In 8 months and two days I will be 20
• In 8 months and two days Jason and I will have been together for 1 year exact. ^_^

so i'm sure I could think of more positives but i'll just keep at this much so it seems more even.

But only sometimes..

I saw two of my ex best friends last. It was the first time in almost 9 months that we were in the same room together. I don't know what to say. I didn't know what to say. I guess, sometimes I wish that things were the same but I remember how they turned out, and who showed their real colors. I know, well, I hope that I can still remain friends with them after every thing is said and done BUT not every thing works out the way you hope it will. But, once again, sometimes I only wish to see you again, and talk to you, with out my fists in a ball and biting my tongue so I won't say anything ridiculous. I did a pretty good job last night. I do give myself that much credit. But sometimes I really wish you wouldn't have been my best friend. I know too much about you. It's hard to forget you. This probably sounds ridiculous already BUT sometimes the most ridiculous things said are the things we're afraid to speak.

How I feel for you.

Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah, that's the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could neverLeave your side
No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

All along
I tried to pretend it didn't matter
If I was alone
But deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn
Cause I'm lost without you.


I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never

Leave your side
No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edgeIf I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
I get kind of dark
Let it go too far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
Cause I need you need nowSo don't let me down
You're the only thing in this world I would die without

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me toKeep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by nowBut you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Better than I know myself by Adam Lambert

Where do I start? My schedule

Well I did what I said I wasn't going to do and I am severely paying the price. Ugh. In quite a bit of pain. GRRR! ROAAAAAR! But anyways on to a happier more interesting subject; let's talk about my classes as of this week. Yeah, that sounds like a busy plan. (I can hear thunder and rain and outside while i'm typing this. It really sets the mood to blog. :] )

American History_For the majority of this week we will be having a substitute because Shively is gone for a game, or something. I don't pay very much attention. All we do now is write notes, and cramp our fingers, and do worksheets and section assessments. Shively, please come back soon! I miss distracting you for the majority of class so we could get out of homework.
Health_Notes, notes, and more notes!! Guhh. Shultz must be obsessed with giving us notes. Oh, and listening to Josie rant about how intelligent he is, Oh the joys
Silent Study Reading_It is only a 10 minute class but, still, I don't like many of the guys in that class, minus the very, very, few.
Creative Writing_I finally came up with the plot and, oddly enough, Marisol reminds me of the girl Emily Osment sings about in the song "Marisol". Haa, yeah. Coincidental, I think not.
Algebra II_So much homework?!!?!?!? Yes. Who is going to use the quadratic formula to figure out the height, and whatever, of a rock? No, not me. Too little notes and too much homework.
Lunch_Lately Jason and I have been going out with LeeAnn to Quiznos to eat. She's so sweet! :) Mmmmm...by the way, I amm terrible at ordering food. "P
Information Technology_It's really not that bad of a class if you like barely getting any notes and being thrown into an assignment. Yup, cool. Because I really need to know how to make flyers.
Speech_Definitely my favorite class out of the whole day. Oh yes, it makes up for all the other super sucky classes. Why? I'm not for sure actually. I get really nervous before I give my speeches but I always love it, the rush. It's so exciting! I don't know how you couldn't like it. :) I'm also hoping to give my Famous Person Speech tomorrow. Johnny Depp is my favorite, mhmm, I mean famous person.
Relationship Literacy_It is weird having a relationships class with my own boyfriend but it's also interesting to see what he thinks of certain things, like relationships. But we're writing a children's book and I decided it's going to have a few of the same characters from my play in Creative writing. Pretty cool huh? Yeah, I know. :P

Well, that's my week so far. Not too entertaining but why would it need to be? It is school after all.

It's been a hectic week :(

Where do I start with this week? Over all, so far, it's been pretty bad. I have gotten quite a bit of things accomplished BUT that doesn't always count for everything especially with this weeks events. UGH! But to recap, here goes:

Monday-Alot of arguing with the boyfriend, that ended well. And that day ended with not taking to him for the rest of the school day.

Tuesday-Valentines day..my nephew's 10th birthday. Norfolk shooting. Boyfriend leaves for a week out of town. Trip to Omaha to see my sister in law and what all happened. We weren't able to see her because we're only her in laws so we left when her cousins got their. Two car crashes in Norfolk, one ended in death.

Wednesday-Half day at school. We find out that the suspect in the shooting is some one my sister knows. Police can't find him so far.

Thursday-American History test. Speaker in Health class talking about anorexia. Stand off in Stanton, they were told the suspect was in a house their. Later on in the night they throw 17 tear bombs inside and when they go in they can't find. One hour later they bring him out and is taken to Faith Regional.

Friday-The boyfriend is done and should be home this weekend. After school we head down to Omaha to see how Edna is now that the suspect is apprehended, any one can visit her.

Seeing as it is still Friday and only 11 in the morning I can't really put too much for Friday but so far i would say it's been a crazy week and definitely NOT how I imagined my valentines week to go.

Dreams or Nightmares?

I keep having these crazy dreams but some times it's like half nightmare and half dream, good and bad. I don't know, maybe the whole thing is bad and I just want to think it's good. :/ Well, last night I dreamt that I was camping at some huge park with my sister, her husband and their kids and I was telling them on the other side of the water or hill is where I was last time(but i've never been there) than it ends up where we're in this hotel room all 8 of us and it's about the size of a small public restroom(I know!!) and we're just relaxing than we start getting upset because there's noTV. Weird...So somehow we end up in Wal-Mart and finish paying for whatever we got and when I turn around I see this girl B I used to be "best friends" with and she kept staring at me...I don't know why but she just wouldn't stop, and it was really buggin' me out than I just appeared in this room that looked like a hospital room but it only had a toilet and sink. There was a girl sitting on this toilet just sitting there doing nothing and we started kissing. When I opened my eyes(in the dream) and I had her clothes on which was a hospital gown and she had on my shorts and shirt. She left and I started freaking out because I couldn't get out. This lady appears out of nowhere and gives me this pink thing and pushes me into this little rocket thing that has no top and says "As soon as you let that button go, it'll go." and i'm here thinking "What the heck?!" so I let go of the button and I fly up a little but it crashes back down and I get out and i'm on a roof and I start running away from a guy and girl. I think that's all there was. Well, that's all I remember.

Now, here is the meaning of some of the things that happened in my dream::
Kiss-.If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are kissing someone of the same sex, then it represents self-acceptance. You are acknowledging the feminine or masculine side.
Hiding-To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher...) implies feelings of guilt.
Chase-o dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. 
Hospital-To see or dream that you are in a hospital symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental health. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are giving up control of your own body. Perhaps you are afraid of losing control of your body.
Park-To dream that you are at a park represents a temporary escape from reality. It indicates renewal, meditation, and spirituality. You may be undergoing a readjustment period after experiencing some serious personal conflict
Tv-To dream that the television is broken or that the picture is fuzzy suggests that you are looking at a problem all wrong. You need to re-evaluate an issue.


I guess, this is enough because I could keep going on forever but I have to go get ready to leave with the cousin some where. But this is crazy, learned something I didn't know.

Busy weekend

So today I get my house arrest monitor taken off and i'm pretty pumped! So after school it's to the probation office to get that taken off and I have class from 430-5 than walk home and babysit since all my sisters and mom already left to Montana for Auntie Darlenes funeral(RIP Aunt Darlene) and my brother in law seems to think since he is feeling better he doesn't have to watch them but all is well.
Friday:FINALLY get to pick up my Winter Royalty dress and make sure it's the right size than it's off to Youth Philanthropy for book club and possibly spend time with the boyfriend after that. Should be fun! :)
Saturday; Where do I even begin? I don't think it will take too long to get ready for the Winter Royalty dance although I really wish my sister were here to help with the hair and all that.
and Sunday is just a whole nother story. :P

Why did I stop?

Watching Harry Potter? I love the movies and have only had time to read one book but i'm not quite sure why I stopped. I'm really not busy so that couldn't be it BUT I don't watch much TV either so that could be it. Blah. I would chose Harry Potter over Twilight any day! :)

It's days like these..

where you really show me you care. I'm having a terrible day. Not because of something bad that happened or some one being rude BUT just because I get like this some times and you're not getting upset with me, and leaving, like most would. I asked you not to get upset with me because I don't mean to be like this and what did you respond with? "I'm plotting some thing that will make your day better and i'm glad to hear you're trying to fight this bad depressing sleep all day feeling." Lol Of course I rephrased a little but you made me just a little more happier. Lately things don't seem to be going the way they're supposed to and...some times I just need some one to understand that and give me a little space instead of getting in my space, and business, asking what's wrong every five minutes.

Thank you though for understanding. It really does make this Day-being-terrible so much better. :)

I saw your picture today..

I miss you.. I miss us..I miss our crappy little apartment and the stupid things we used to do to pass time..I don't know what to do. I feel like I haven't moved on. You were such a big part of my life. What do I do now? You were my best friend, my other half. I thought things would be better this way, and for a minute I convinced myself that they did, but I miss my old life. I don't miss the mistakes I made but I miss being the three musketeers with you and Codabear..than later on it changed to you, Jordy and I. Times change, I guess. It's weird though because I never thought i'd have to say good bye. Well, I didn't even get that chance. You were just gone. Both of you...I'm not saying i'll never move on and get new best friends because God knows that i've tried BUT I TRUSTED YOU and you both just seem to have let me down..pushed me aside. I guess, I should stop whining but I hope you know you've affected me in a way no one will ever understand. It's so hard for me to trust any one. I hope you found some one that will know every one of your flaws and accept you the way that I have, give every thing for you the way that I did and trust you as much as I did, because I really did. I do wish you the best of luck, all of you. I'm trying to move on with my life and figuring out that I can't trust just any one is the hardest trick to master. Thank you for making me so cautious with trust, with my heart.
                                                                                   Sincerely, the girl that chose to tell the truth

Just sayin'

I know I really shouldn't be doing this right now because I have a speech that's due for speech class in less than a week. But me being me, i'm blogging about some thing ridiculous. :) So I was thinking about this guy I dated once. We go to the same school and NEVER talk to each other. Thank goodness for that! He's kind of a huge jerk and for some reason tends to tell people about the time I broke up with him which I think is pretty weird. Whatever floats his boat, I guess. Well anyways I keep seeing him every where and he gives me and my new boyfriend, who is also one of his "friends, dirty looks and laughing hysterically. Immature! But anyways the bell is about to ring. I better go! :)

Why do I have no school tomorrow?

I may not look like it but I am a felon. I guess here I can admit to anything, tell you anything, let you in. I don't even know who will be reading this but that doesn't concern me right now. I just want to let out a few things that are a little difficult to keep in. I'm not good at keeping things in either; I love talking to people and telling them what's going on my life. I don't think any one really knows how hard this has been for me. I guess, in order for you to know the truth, and nothing but the truth, I have to tell you why I am telling you anything in the first place. What was it that got me here? Why am I felon, you ask? Well, i'll tell you. It may take a while and I might accidentally skip a few steps but I want to let this out. I want to tell some one. But if you're in my school please be respectful and don't tell other people my business. I don't care if you read this and comment but talking behind my back is the easiest way to get on my bad side. My truth for the day , I guess.
     More than a couple months ago, between April and May, I made a few, more than a few, bad decisions. Two people I thought were my best friends and I made some bad choices. I won't go into detail but we did some pretty bad things and now we are all on probation and are not allowed to communicate with each other in any way. I hate it. I thought they were my best friends. I guess, some times you do stupid things for people you think will do anything for you in return. Wrong! But back to the story tomorrow I will be gone from school because I have my last county to go to; Antelope county, for sentencing. I'm kind of really exciting but pretty nervous also. It's like the fate of my life depends on this one judge deciding if I should go to jail, again, or more probation. Don't judge me, that's what I ask. If you're reading this, do just that; READ. Don't judge me. If you want to know some thing; ask me. It's pretty easy. And I will most likely answer it. On my way back from court tomorrow I have to stop at two places that I burglarized and read my apology letter to them. I'll mean every word in that letter. I already do. I want this to be over, so much. I already have 2 and a half more years that I can look forward to probation. Right now I have a house arrest monitor that comes off in 16 more days and a SCRAM bracelet, alcohol monitor, that will be coming off in about 3 months. I'm excited. Oh, and in case you were wondering what that loud buzzing sound is in class; it's my alcohol monitor. Stupid thing buzzes every half hour. Really annoying, if you ask me.
     Well, I guess, that's really all I have to say. My sister and her husband just bought the movie Friends With Benefits and I want to see it so i'm rushing through this. Now you know some more about me, and what the buzzing every thirty minutes is.

TaTa For Now lovelies!

My new obsession...well, one of them at least.

He Is We; have you heard of them? If you like slower, flokish music with a mean than this is amazing music to listen to or whatever it's still amazing music to me. They always have such deep meaning in every song they sing. My favorite so far, Forever and Ever. I love it. The most meaningful song that I just about cry to every time I hear, Kiss It Better. If you haven't listened to it you should. Kiss It Better is about a man that shot another man who killed his wife, girlfriend. It tells his story of being in jail and how much he misses his wife, girlfriend. The whole he keeps hearing the wife, girlfriend say"Kiss it all better. I'm not ready to go. It's not your fault, love. You didn't know." I know it sounds depressing and whatever but it really is a sweet song.
He Is We is better to listen to when you're in "one of those moods" where you just don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, a blah day. Well, that's mainly when I listen to them.But, that could just be me. :)

How do you define love?

Merriam-Webster's definition of love is a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, attraction based on sexual desire and affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. If any one asked me how I would define love I don't think I would have a deep or meaningful answer. I might say no matter how much some one hurts and seems to think that no one is their for them and you still try to be their for them even if you're being pushed away, that's something like love to me. I guess I really don't have the strongest and most clear definition of love, some could say. A couple of minutes ago I read a post my creative writing teacher had posted that had young children between the ages of 3-9 explain what they thought love was. Many of these children had things to say regarding their parents and people who are involved in their every day life. One little girl, Nikka who was only 6 years old, had this to say; "If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate." If a 6 year old can say something this deep shouldn't we be able to define love without using words like sex, money and whatever else it is that teenagers seem to think is so popular now a days? Only time will tell when all your "fancy cars", money and media aren't around. Will you still define YOUR love as the new designer hand bag that you "fell in love with" or being the only person their for your best friend? That's really all I have to say for now but here are a couple quotes from some of the children that were asked to define their meaning of love; let's see if this can get a response from you.


'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. 
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4 


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4 


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents 
and listen.' Bobby - age 7 


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4


When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7 


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8

It's what we do in Creative writing..?

Sitting in Creative writing Rowse gets this crazy idea that we should blog so what do we do but come to the typing lab and make our google accounts and blog. It's what we do in creative writing. My first time taking this class actually but, hey, i'm liking it so far. So I chose my background and my blogger name; now what do I do? Any suggestions? :)